All is well – Terengganu, Malaysia

Artifact motherhood is a collaboration of artists/mothers from around the world. Sharing stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Our hopes and dreams for our children. With little nuggets of wisdom here and there. These are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifact we are leaving behind for children and the generations to come.

Around this time last year, while I was getting ready to go to sleep after having a family gathering at my mother’s house, then my heart suddenly goes on beating so fast that I thought I was going to die that night. It was definitely a terrifying experience that I wished never to encounter again. My husband immediately took me to the nearby clinic and had me checked on. After a few minutes of waiting, the doctor told me that I was ok and all my vital signs were normal. I wasn’t satisfied and did a full medical check-up including doing an ECG to find out if there was a problem with my heart. Again the specialist told me the same thing. There was nothing wrong with me. He asked me if I wanted to see a psychiatrist and I told him yes, I would consider that. A few weeks after that, I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. I was feeling really tense and not sure what to say to him. I told him what had happened and he asked me several questions. While we were talking I felt the urge to cry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but the tears just keep on flowing. I felt a bit ashamed during that moment but the psychiatrist was really understanding and helpful and it made me feel at ease. I knew after consulting the psychiatrist that what I had that night was a panic attack. After a few more counselling, I was able to understand my feelings and what my body is trying to tell me. I never knew that our body can carry so much stress and burden from trauma and pain. We, especially mothers, are so capable beyond words of doing everything but yet we can be too hard on ourself sometimes.

Since then, I have been learning and researching every day on ways to cope with my anxiety and worries. One thing that I find really helped me a lot is to practice gratitude and to notice everything that surrounds me. To be grateful for some of the basic things like having my eyesight to see. Isn’t it a precious gift to wake up to your beautiful smiley face, my son. Isn’t it a precious gift to hear you giggling softly in the morning light because the sun is up and you know that it’s time to play. Isn’t it a precious gift to have my lovely husband prepare us breakfast even if it’s just toasts and jam. Isn’t it a precious gift to be able to breathe the fresh air and notice the air coming in and out of your nose. Also, I stopped drinking coffee and change a bit of my lifestyle which means to consume more water, more vitamins, more outing in nature and more sleep! My new living mantra after that frightful episode of my life is to practice positivity every day and have the courage to face my fears.

Please go to Carla Monge, the next artist in our Artifact Motherhood blog circle and continue through all the artists until you get back to me. To learn more about Artifact Motherhood, please click here.