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Then

Deep down in my heart, I somehow or rather knew that I was carrying a baby boy. It’s because I was diagnosed with Diabetes Type II during my early pregnancy. I told myself, with Allah’s will, if I am able to continue with the pregnancy, the baby must be a boy. Strong and determined to get through this minor hurdles in life. We will do it together, you and me. I watched my diet and you continue to grow healthy in my warm womb. The day came and we welcome you into this world with open hearts. You complete the family. You made everybody happy. Your sisters were crying when they first laid their eyes on you. Such a beautiful gift. Everybody were so excited. Then we brought you home and my full journey on breastfeeding continues. Oh boy, I wished it was easy and simple as ABC. But I was taken aback. What am I doing wrong? Why were you never satisfied with the milk you’ve just had? Why are you still crying? Is my boob not doing her job? Is the milk not enough? At times, I wanted to scream so loud so that everyone in the house know what I’m going through at that moment. I was not happy. I wasn’t sleeping well, I had to wake up every hour and feed you and yet still you cried. He is hungry. It must be my milk. Yes, my milk is not enough for you. I forced Babah to go to the nearest store and buy me a formula. We need to do this. He is hungry, I can tell. But luckily, the formula brand that I was looking for was always not in store. Was it a sign?

I gave up. Despite the cracking and sore bleeding nipple, I continued on. I told myself, I am capable of feeding my son and insyallah, I will get through this. I try to set small goals. The first was to continue to nurse you up to two months. Then it became to six and then to a year. Same goes to my milk stock, at first it was only a few bottles, than it started to build up until there’s not enough room to store some of the pumped breastmilk, that I have to donate some of it.

Now we have already passed that one year stage and still, each time I come home from work, the first thing you always ask me is to unbutton my shirt. You will cheekily grinned and open your mouth to feed. The special bond that only you and I share. The serene feeling and the contentment I feel gazing at you. We have made it darling. I have never thought I could do this. All the sacrifices I made has been worthwhile. I would not want it any other way. You made me feel whole. And I get to show you this picture of us during that special bond, this is you and me in our own sweet world.

During the ‘turbulence’ period, I always relied on these sites for guidance and to know that I am not the only one not sleeping at three in the morning, that gave me a sense of relieve and I have always reminded myself of this quote, shared by moms during the early stage of breastfeeding that this too shall pass.

The Breastfeeding Advocates Network

Kellymom.com

Creative Breastfeeding

Susuibu.com

This picture was taken by my other half, my sidekick, Azlan. I am thankful that my husband is so supportive and committed through my nursing journey. This picture is also for my third week of Project 52 with the Amazing You. You can check out the amazing project here. We love it very much. I am feeling hopeful and really into this Project 52 that I even signed up with My Four Hens Photography to follow her group of amazing talents and support which is also doing the Project 52 for 2015. So sometimes, if the theme is connected, I will use the same image for both projects. And so happy to tell you that my first picture for the theme “FRESH” was selected as Eye Candy, with some other amazing photos too. You can check it out here.

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